Purses

"If I had me a man who could buy me a bag like that, I'd be askin for like a stack evry week so I could feel like I got a coupld dollah's."

Instead ah's

'Salamon' instead of 'Salmon'

Homeless Bum Status

My coworkers response to the previous entry.

"That's trifflin'. I can't believe somebody gone eat somebody elses food. You don't know what be goin on inside people's houses. That's nasty. … That’s like homeless bum status. Maybe it's somebody who's goin through some hard times. … They better get some investigators up in here to try an find out what happened!"

Outlook

From: Girl A
Sent: Thursday, January 29, 2009 11:34 AM
To: Pharms; Techs
Subject: To Whomever ate the rice from the fridge on the 19th floor

That was my Lunch. Have some respect

Technician
Philadelphia Pa 19102

-----Original Message-----

From: Girl B
Sent: Thursday, January 29, 2009 12:10 PM
To: Girl A, Pharms; Techs
Subject: RE: To Whomever ate the rice from the fridge on the 19th floor

The bandit strikes again! This is getting pretty ridiculous.

Technician
Philadelphia, PA 19102

Cable

"Hello? … What show? … No, I don't watch that, it's triffilin'."

It's All About the Snap Shots

"Is you fastin' this year? When is you startin? … Cause I'ma do it this year. It's gone be easier this time cause I did it last year. I need to go food shoppin' and stuff. … Oh yeah, I gotta cut back. It's just what I eat. I sit here and eat all day. Yeah… cause remember I used to eat the almonds and everything? … I know dat's right. … Yeah, cause I'ma start food shopping. I'ma get my soups and all now. I'ma buy my fresh stop evry week. I might be able to do it without meat. If I get hungry I just eat the tuna. … Yeah, cause I'm about to be takin' my graduation pictures and I don't want no double chin in them pics."

Free Cookies?

I wasn't paying attention enough to type the whole conversation, but a coworker was ordering girl scout cookies over the phone. At the end she said, "$10.50? I ain't got no damn money."

Hair Done

"I don't really need a perm. Let me put it this way, only in the summah time. … I know she be mad too, cause Monica be bangin out they heads. … I know you trying to get out of there too. Cause I can go after work, ya'hmsayin'? They just gotta stay open a little long. Ya'll not gone get no money like that. I'm sayin' though, cause I'm getting' tired of it. … Well, you know what? In some place you're still gone have to wait. And then they get lazy with stuff. My hair held up from last time. It's not nappy or nothin'. Shanquilla's hair looks a mess everytime I see her."

Outlook

______________________________________________

From: Girl A
Sent: Wednesday, January 21, 2009 1:22 PM
To: Technicians
Cc: Pharmacists
Subject: I HAVE BEEN VICTIMNIZED

I AM LOOKING FOR A LEAN COUSINE CHICKEN AND PASTA. IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN BACK TO FRIDGE ON THE 19TH FLOOR.

Technician
Philadelphia, PA

-----Original Message-----

From: Girl A
Sent: Wednesday, January 21, 2009 1:50 PM
To: Technicians
Cc: Pharmacists
Subject: RE: I HAVE BEEN VICTIMNIZED

Thanks everyone for you concern. I went out and brought lunch.

Technician
Philadelphia, PA

He had a job?

"Guess who I saw on the train last night… You remember Dave, the crackhead that used to work at ShopRite? He was the black guy dat used to mess with Diane… Yeah, him!"

Like, pants?

"I was about to wear some break aways today. My son loves 'em."

"We don't need nothin' in here breakin' away from nothin'."

Oh, Lover

"Do you pronounce it Dr Romantic? ... No? Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Roman-ick."

Instead ah's

'Texas' instead of 'Texts'
'Enda' instead of 'Aetna'
'Pitcher' instead of 'Picture'

Oops!

"Desiree pee'd on herself! She was like, 'I didn’t PEE on myself. Gosh, I go to the bathroom everyday!' ... Yeah! ... Cause she was sittin' on my lap."

Outlook

PHL Tech is the entire Philly team.

______________________________________________

-----Original Message-----
From: Girl A
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2009 8:36 AM
To: PHL Techs
Subject: To whom ever took that magazine off my desk last Wednesday please return it. thanks

CPHT Technician
Philadelphia, Pa.

-----Original Message-----
From: Boy A
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2009 9:00 AM
To: Girl A
Subject: RE: To whom ever took that magazine off my desk last Wednesday please return it. thanks

I know that's right...lol

-----Original Message-----
From: Girl A
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2009 9:13 AM
To: Girl B
Subject: RE: To whom ever took that magazine off my desk last Wednesday please return it. thanks

damn thieves can't have nothing. somebody was sitting at my desk all these empty desk why WMT can't sit them there.

From: Girl A
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2009 12:03 PM
To: PHL Techs
Subject: To whom ever took that magazine off my desk last Wednesday please return it. thanks

Bring it back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love

"I hung up a picture of my future husband."

"But you can't see his face."

"Dat's cause he's really chocolate."

"I love me a chocolate man."

"He's the head coach."

"Oh, fah reals?"

"Uh huh, so you know he's got some dollahs."

"Do he got a wife or anythang?"

"Girl, you know that don't even matter."

Cellies

"If I downgrade, I'ma be spending like 4 hundre' dollahs. I gots to pay the full retail value for it now. Can you really see me payin' 400 hundre' dollahs for dis phone? I don't think so."

"That shit is wile."

"The Dare is 409. That's how much it would be for me. Not for you. I'm not eligible."

"What happened to the Storm?"

"If I wanted this smart phone, I'd have to pay 6 hundre' dollahs for it. This Voyager is played out. It's just corny. There's like nothin to it. I'm sittin up here like, I don't wanna pay 4 hundre' dollahs for a phone. Geez. What am I gonna dooo? I don't want this phone no more, it's played out. Even if they give e 35 dollahs off or somethin. Damn, it's hot as shit up in here. I can't take the pressure"

"Get out da kitchen!"

"Oh no, lookin' at this phone. That is whacker than the whackest. … Whade-a-minn, I think I can change my plan. I'm sittin' up here lookin' at this and I really think I can change my plan. … Right now the 900 minutes ain't doin' it. Sometimes I don't even use my phone for that reason alone, the usage."

Celebrating

"Christmas over. I been telling my son that for like two weeks now. It's done."

"You can get in the spirit for v-day."

"Yeah, I might put up some decorations."

"Martin Luther king day. You can celebrate St Patrick's day since you got on green right now."

"Yeah, I could just do some laundry."

"Yeah girl, wash them clothes."

"I need to get my hair done."

"Go to sleep wit some curls in ya hair."

"I cant find my satin pillow cases. I need to go online and see if they still have Satin Wonders."

"Why don't you just get satin?"

"Cause I like Satin Wonder."

"I don't like the cheap ones."

"You need Jesus."

Dictionary.com

It's pronounced Asia, not "Ajaha".

Oh, Nelly

Girl A, "It's hot in here. It's getting hot in heere, I'ma take off all my clothes. Girl, I remember bein at this party, I was 17 dancin to that song."

Girl B, "You was ready to take your clothes off?"

Girl A, "Child, I was bout to. You know how DAT goes."

Staples

"Aw, I lost my pen. … Where's is my pen? … Yo, I really hate when I lose a pen. … That was a really good pen. … I had 10 pens, I wonder what the fuck happened to all my pens?! I had a pack, I had like ten and now I only gots like 3. … Oh! I found my pen!!"

What Up, Theif?

One of my coworkers was complaining about how her little brother stole her iPod headphones. It's all she talked about all day. In the late afternoon, she called home:

"Who dis? Oh what up thief. Oh you got somethin' to tell me? You ain't got nothin to tell me? You ain't got nothin' to say to me about my headphones? Where's my Mother? Put her on the phone, thief. Did my package come? That's all I wanted to know. Why's he still lying about my headphones? What'd he say? Whade-a-minute. What'd he say? If I woulda stopped him? Oh, whade-a-minute, it's a different one? He didn't take mine? Oh."

How Romantic

"Worst Valentine's Day I eva had, had me sitting up in the damn clinic getting a pregnancy test. He picked me up from the clinic but he didn't get me no present, he didn't even wanna come ovah. He gave me somethin' on Tuesday but I was like yooo, Valentine's Day is on Friday. You gotta boo or somethin'? It was aight though, I was with somebody anyway, hollahh."

At the Movies

"That movie is PG-13. They ain't use no cuss words and deep as they got was a kiss."

Twitters.

From January 12, 2009:

"Stealin out the house? That's some crackhead stuff. And then he's lying in my face? Better not eva ask me for nothin' eva again." 9:58 AM Jan 12th

I'm sorry, she keeps saying "stillin'" not stealing. 9:59 AM Jan 12th

Twitters.

From January 9th, 2009:

I wish I could tell my coworker that I don't care that her country side of the family decided to name one of their daughters "Baby Sis." 9:43 AM Jan 9th

I'm going to start counting how many times my coworkers say "nig", "nigga" or "nigs". So far, we're at 3. 9:45 AM Jan 9th

One just said, "These flakes in my hair be nasty." Another coworker has been talking about her eyebrows for 20 minutes. 10:51 AM Jan 9th

"If alls he wants to be watchin' is the Discovery channel and he don't wanna watch cartoons, turn the damn tv off." 10:57 AM Jan 9th

They've been talking about getting their hair pressed for a 1/2 hour. Sitting in a group, obviously not doing any work, talking about hair. 12:08 PM Jan 9th

"Nig" count is now at 5. 12:19 PM Jan 9th

"I'ma be bustin out laughin'. That shit is a damn shame. Girl, that is a straight mess." 12:20 PM Jan 9th

"Oh aight, lemme fine out. You betta see if you can get some free rent up in that bitch." 3:21 PM Jan 9th

"The patients name is Arthur Stare... Stare as in stairs... yes, like the ones you walk up. S-T-A-R-E" 3:55 PM Jan 9th

Oh, hi

Welcome.

Hi. I'm... anonymous. I'm 25, soon to be 26 and I work in an office. I sit at a cubicle all day and try to drain out the uneducated noise that comes from the coworkers that surround me. A good friend suggested that I start a blog to turn my misery into something hilarious.

EVERYTHING YOU READ IN THIS BLOG
WAS ACTUALLY SAID OUT-LOUD.

IT IS 100% REAL.
I promise.

Side-note: There will never be pictures, I'm afraid they'll find me and put a cap in my ass.

Enjoy.