Grass is Always Greener

"The little crack head down the street had the nerve to ask me, "Don’t ya back yard need to be cleaned?". I turned to her and I was like, "What??" So then later, my Mom was askin' that I needed to clean the backyard and you know I went straight down the street and paid the crack head to do it. Her and her little crackhead friends spent that 10 dollahs. Crackheads is crazy! … She used to tell me, 'I used to do flowers and stuff. Tell ya Mom! I can do the flowers and stuff.' I was like, are you serious?"

"She be havin' them flowers look a mess. That would be hilarious. … You be seein' someone in ya front yard, you be like what the fuck? hahaha"

"I be no more good."

Instead-ah's

'Discussin'' instead of 'disgusting'

The Love of Ray J

"Oh The Love of Ray-J, they had to make a video for him. This one girl was up in the bed with food and stuff. She took that ice cream and started rubbin' it on herself. Then, you know she did a split up in the bed with a damn banana in her mouf. You know she's winnin' too. Cause, he's gone be thinkin' bout that later when he's on the road. You need to give him somethin' to remember. That's definitely the kinda stuff you do for ya man."

On Rhianna's Situation

"Rhianna looks sweet an innocent. I used to think that way about Whitney Houston too. She did look nice on them award shows. Ain't she back with clyde davis?"

"Oh, you mean she messed with him?"

"No, I meant on the record label."

"Oh, yeah. Then she's probably getting' trainin' from both ends. Don't matter though, cause I can sing. I have a Whitney Houston moment evry day. I get home and pop in that DVD. I been singin' her songs since I was a little girl. She's my idol. Not dem crack head days though. Definitely didn't love her as a damn crack head."

Is that on Sale?

"Can I get a diss-kizzy?"

She wanted a discount.

Yum?

BURP. "Oh honey, that smelled like my breakfast. Homefries with peppers and onions. Child please!"

POOP

"If you don't wipe ya butt, is that called skim marks or skid marks?"

"Skid marks."

"Skid? Okay. That's really funny. I'm textin' someone they got some."

V-Day

Girl A had her phone read out a text message, "No woman will ever be satisfied on Valentine's Day because no man has a chocolate penis that ejaculates money." They all laughed about how clear the woman's voice was.

They played this text 3 more times.

Over and Over and Over...

While on her cell phone, a co-worker said, "Are you fucking serious?" a total of 7 times.

All Natural

"Natural put the donut in the microwave for 20 minutes."

"My cousin put a damn can in the microwave."

"Ask me how old Natural is."

"How old is she?"

"She's 3."

"Oh for real?"

"Yeah. I keep tryin' to get her to sing 'Natural Woman'."

Homemade Sangria

"I'ma have a concert. I'ma sing all whitney houston songs.

"If you not a professional, you can't charge nothin'."

"Nah, I'ma do it for free."

"Where, in the kitchen?"

"No."

"You gonna have food?"

"No."

"Liquor?"

"Yeah."

"What kind?"

"I'ma buy wine."

"Out the box?"

"No. I'ma get a couple bottles and some sangria."

"Buy the mix or make it?"

"No, I'ma make it. "

Woulda Coulda Shoulda

"My Dad wanted to name me Watesha Daneek."

Feets

One of the owners of Eternity Shoes was quoted as calling his customers 'low class'.

"How you gone come out and call ya customer's low end? Are you serious? You really came out ya mouf with that shit?"

Super Bowl

"What did you think of Jennifer Hudsons performance?"

"I mean, it was nice. They got that time delay though incase some titties pop out."

Hot Dogs!

"What's for dinner?"

"Hot dogs and baked beans."

"I love me some baked beans. But I don't eat no hot dogs."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"What about beef hot dogs?"

"Nah."

"Well damn, I'd tear dat up."

"You gotta have some applesauce."

"I ain't hatin'. I'd eat that too. Put it on the side!"

"Ew, you nasty."

"When I was little, my Mom said I only ate two things. It caught up with me later too. Nuffin' else, just hot dogs and yogurt."

Mattress Covers?

"Remember when I told you that my cousin pissed in my bed? She got my Mom too. My Mom was flamin'. I asked her, 'See? It don't feel good do it?'"

Doesn't Matter If You're Black or White

"I'm listening to black Michael Jackson. When he sang Human Nature, was he still black?"

Girl A starts singing Human Nature, "Remember when his nose cracked?"

Michael Phelps

"Can you bellee dat? Do you think they paid someone alotta money for that? Cause you know, some people will give up stuff for some dollahs."

"Maybe. I mean, so then you gotta look at ya peoples and be like, which one of ya'll muthahfuckah's took this pitcher?"

"You really can't trust nobody, yo."

Instead ah's

'Ordergraph' instead of 'Autograph'
'Pitcher' instead of 'Picture'

Forreals

"She be like, why you always be sayin' child please? And I started laughin'. I was like girl you better calm down before I smack the shit outta you yo."