Bewbs

Girl A, "My girls is kinda small."

Girl B, "My Aunt has a 44... F!"

Girl A, "Oh wells then, I should be happy with what I got."

Girl B, "If you're unhappy, you can always buy new ones."

Girl A, "My girl friend got a reduction and I was tryin' to get her leftovers."

Fruits

"I love grapes on bread."

"Are you serious?"

"Dead serious."

"Ill."

"No for real, it be so good."

"That shit is pre-raisin bread. I wonder if you put a grape in the microwave, would it shrink?"

"A grape in a prune. No wait, a prune is a grape."

"NO IT AIN'T."

Grass is Always Greener

"The little crack head down the street had the nerve to ask me, "Don’t ya back yard need to be cleaned?". I turned to her and I was like, "What??" So then later, my Mom was askin' that I needed to clean the backyard and you know I went straight down the street and paid the crack head to do it. Her and her little crackhead friends spent that 10 dollahs. Crackheads is crazy! … She used to tell me, 'I used to do flowers and stuff. Tell ya Mom! I can do the flowers and stuff.' I was like, are you serious?"

"She be havin' them flowers look a mess. That would be hilarious. … You be seein' someone in ya front yard, you be like what the fuck? hahaha"

"I be no more good."

Instead-ah's

'Discussin'' instead of 'disgusting'

The Love of Ray J

"Oh The Love of Ray-J, they had to make a video for him. This one girl was up in the bed with food and stuff. She took that ice cream and started rubbin' it on herself. Then, you know she did a split up in the bed with a damn banana in her mouf. You know she's winnin' too. Cause, he's gone be thinkin' bout that later when he's on the road. You need to give him somethin' to remember. That's definitely the kinda stuff you do for ya man."

On Rhianna's Situation

"Rhianna looks sweet an innocent. I used to think that way about Whitney Houston too. She did look nice on them award shows. Ain't she back with clyde davis?"

"Oh, you mean she messed with him?"

"No, I meant on the record label."

"Oh, yeah. Then she's probably getting' trainin' from both ends. Don't matter though, cause I can sing. I have a Whitney Houston moment evry day. I get home and pop in that DVD. I been singin' her songs since I was a little girl. She's my idol. Not dem crack head days though. Definitely didn't love her as a damn crack head."

Is that on Sale?

"Can I get a diss-kizzy?"

She wanted a discount.

Yum?

BURP. "Oh honey, that smelled like my breakfast. Homefries with peppers and onions. Child please!"

POOP

"If you don't wipe ya butt, is that called skim marks or skid marks?"

"Skid marks."

"Skid? Okay. That's really funny. I'm textin' someone they got some."

V-Day

Girl A had her phone read out a text message, "No woman will ever be satisfied on Valentine's Day because no man has a chocolate penis that ejaculates money." They all laughed about how clear the woman's voice was.

They played this text 3 more times.

Over and Over and Over...

While on her cell phone, a co-worker said, "Are you fucking serious?" a total of 7 times.

All Natural

"Natural put the donut in the microwave for 20 minutes."

"My cousin put a damn can in the microwave."

"Ask me how old Natural is."

"How old is she?"

"She's 3."

"Oh for real?"

"Yeah. I keep tryin' to get her to sing 'Natural Woman'."

Homemade Sangria

"I'ma have a concert. I'ma sing all whitney houston songs.

"If you not a professional, you can't charge nothin'."

"Nah, I'ma do it for free."

"Where, in the kitchen?"

"No."

"You gonna have food?"

"No."

"Liquor?"

"Yeah."

"What kind?"

"I'ma buy wine."

"Out the box?"

"No. I'ma get a couple bottles and some sangria."

"Buy the mix or make it?"

"No, I'ma make it. "

Woulda Coulda Shoulda

"My Dad wanted to name me Watesha Daneek."

Feets

One of the owners of Eternity Shoes was quoted as calling his customers 'low class'.

"How you gone come out and call ya customer's low end? Are you serious? You really came out ya mouf with that shit?"

Super Bowl

"What did you think of Jennifer Hudsons performance?"

"I mean, it was nice. They got that time delay though incase some titties pop out."

Hot Dogs!

"What's for dinner?"

"Hot dogs and baked beans."

"I love me some baked beans. But I don't eat no hot dogs."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"What about beef hot dogs?"

"Nah."

"Well damn, I'd tear dat up."

"You gotta have some applesauce."

"I ain't hatin'. I'd eat that too. Put it on the side!"

"Ew, you nasty."

"When I was little, my Mom said I only ate two things. It caught up with me later too. Nuffin' else, just hot dogs and yogurt."

Mattress Covers?

"Remember when I told you that my cousin pissed in my bed? She got my Mom too. My Mom was flamin'. I asked her, 'See? It don't feel good do it?'"

Doesn't Matter If You're Black or White

"I'm listening to black Michael Jackson. When he sang Human Nature, was he still black?"

Girl A starts singing Human Nature, "Remember when his nose cracked?"

Michael Phelps

"Can you bellee dat? Do you think they paid someone alotta money for that? Cause you know, some people will give up stuff for some dollahs."

"Maybe. I mean, so then you gotta look at ya peoples and be like, which one of ya'll muthahfuckah's took this pitcher?"

"You really can't trust nobody, yo."

Instead ah's

'Ordergraph' instead of 'Autograph'
'Pitcher' instead of 'Picture'

Forreals

"She be like, why you always be sayin' child please? And I started laughin'. I was like girl you better calm down before I smack the shit outta you yo."

Purses

"If I had me a man who could buy me a bag like that, I'd be askin for like a stack evry week so I could feel like I got a coupld dollah's."

Instead ah's

'Salamon' instead of 'Salmon'

Homeless Bum Status

My coworkers response to the previous entry.

"That's trifflin'. I can't believe somebody gone eat somebody elses food. You don't know what be goin on inside people's houses. That's nasty. … That’s like homeless bum status. Maybe it's somebody who's goin through some hard times. … They better get some investigators up in here to try an find out what happened!"

Outlook

From: Girl A
Sent: Thursday, January 29, 2009 11:34 AM
To: Pharms; Techs
Subject: To Whomever ate the rice from the fridge on the 19th floor

That was my Lunch. Have some respect

Technician
Philadelphia Pa 19102

-----Original Message-----

From: Girl B
Sent: Thursday, January 29, 2009 12:10 PM
To: Girl A, Pharms; Techs
Subject: RE: To Whomever ate the rice from the fridge on the 19th floor

The bandit strikes again! This is getting pretty ridiculous.

Technician
Philadelphia, PA 19102

Cable

"Hello? … What show? … No, I don't watch that, it's triffilin'."

It's All About the Snap Shots

"Is you fastin' this year? When is you startin? … Cause I'ma do it this year. It's gone be easier this time cause I did it last year. I need to go food shoppin' and stuff. … Oh yeah, I gotta cut back. It's just what I eat. I sit here and eat all day. Yeah… cause remember I used to eat the almonds and everything? … I know dat's right. … Yeah, cause I'ma start food shopping. I'ma get my soups and all now. I'ma buy my fresh stop evry week. I might be able to do it without meat. If I get hungry I just eat the tuna. … Yeah, cause I'm about to be takin' my graduation pictures and I don't want no double chin in them pics."

Free Cookies?

I wasn't paying attention enough to type the whole conversation, but a coworker was ordering girl scout cookies over the phone. At the end she said, "$10.50? I ain't got no damn money."

Hair Done

"I don't really need a perm. Let me put it this way, only in the summah time. … I know she be mad too, cause Monica be bangin out they heads. … I know you trying to get out of there too. Cause I can go after work, ya'hmsayin'? They just gotta stay open a little long. Ya'll not gone get no money like that. I'm sayin' though, cause I'm getting' tired of it. … Well, you know what? In some place you're still gone have to wait. And then they get lazy with stuff. My hair held up from last time. It's not nappy or nothin'. Shanquilla's hair looks a mess everytime I see her."

Outlook

______________________________________________

From: Girl A
Sent: Wednesday, January 21, 2009 1:22 PM
To: Technicians
Cc: Pharmacists
Subject: I HAVE BEEN VICTIMNIZED

I AM LOOKING FOR A LEAN COUSINE CHICKEN AND PASTA. IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN BACK TO FRIDGE ON THE 19TH FLOOR.

Technician
Philadelphia, PA

-----Original Message-----

From: Girl A
Sent: Wednesday, January 21, 2009 1:50 PM
To: Technicians
Cc: Pharmacists
Subject: RE: I HAVE BEEN VICTIMNIZED

Thanks everyone for you concern. I went out and brought lunch.

Technician
Philadelphia, PA

He had a job?

"Guess who I saw on the train last night… You remember Dave, the crackhead that used to work at ShopRite? He was the black guy dat used to mess with Diane… Yeah, him!"

Like, pants?

"I was about to wear some break aways today. My son loves 'em."

"We don't need nothin' in here breakin' away from nothin'."

Oh, Lover

"Do you pronounce it Dr Romantic? ... No? Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Roman-ick."

Instead ah's

'Texas' instead of 'Texts'
'Enda' instead of 'Aetna'
'Pitcher' instead of 'Picture'

Oops!

"Desiree pee'd on herself! She was like, 'I didn’t PEE on myself. Gosh, I go to the bathroom everyday!' ... Yeah! ... Cause she was sittin' on my lap."

Outlook

PHL Tech is the entire Philly team.

______________________________________________

-----Original Message-----
From: Girl A
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2009 8:36 AM
To: PHL Techs
Subject: To whom ever took that magazine off my desk last Wednesday please return it. thanks

CPHT Technician
Philadelphia, Pa.

-----Original Message-----
From: Boy A
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2009 9:00 AM
To: Girl A
Subject: RE: To whom ever took that magazine off my desk last Wednesday please return it. thanks

I know that's right...lol

-----Original Message-----
From: Girl A
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2009 9:13 AM
To: Girl B
Subject: RE: To whom ever took that magazine off my desk last Wednesday please return it. thanks

damn thieves can't have nothing. somebody was sitting at my desk all these empty desk why WMT can't sit them there.

From: Girl A
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2009 12:03 PM
To: PHL Techs
Subject: To whom ever took that magazine off my desk last Wednesday please return it. thanks

Bring it back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love

"I hung up a picture of my future husband."

"But you can't see his face."

"Dat's cause he's really chocolate."

"I love me a chocolate man."

"He's the head coach."

"Oh, fah reals?"

"Uh huh, so you know he's got some dollahs."

"Do he got a wife or anythang?"

"Girl, you know that don't even matter."

Cellies

"If I downgrade, I'ma be spending like 4 hundre' dollahs. I gots to pay the full retail value for it now. Can you really see me payin' 400 hundre' dollahs for dis phone? I don't think so."

"That shit is wile."

"The Dare is 409. That's how much it would be for me. Not for you. I'm not eligible."

"What happened to the Storm?"

"If I wanted this smart phone, I'd have to pay 6 hundre' dollahs for it. This Voyager is played out. It's just corny. There's like nothin to it. I'm sittin up here like, I don't wanna pay 4 hundre' dollahs for a phone. Geez. What am I gonna dooo? I don't want this phone no more, it's played out. Even if they give e 35 dollahs off or somethin. Damn, it's hot as shit up in here. I can't take the pressure"

"Get out da kitchen!"

"Oh no, lookin' at this phone. That is whacker than the whackest. … Whade-a-minn, I think I can change my plan. I'm sittin' up here lookin' at this and I really think I can change my plan. … Right now the 900 minutes ain't doin' it. Sometimes I don't even use my phone for that reason alone, the usage."

Celebrating

"Christmas over. I been telling my son that for like two weeks now. It's done."

"You can get in the spirit for v-day."

"Yeah, I might put up some decorations."

"Martin Luther king day. You can celebrate St Patrick's day since you got on green right now."

"Yeah, I could just do some laundry."

"Yeah girl, wash them clothes."

"I need to get my hair done."

"Go to sleep wit some curls in ya hair."

"I cant find my satin pillow cases. I need to go online and see if they still have Satin Wonders."

"Why don't you just get satin?"

"Cause I like Satin Wonder."

"I don't like the cheap ones."

"You need Jesus."

Dictionary.com

It's pronounced Asia, not "Ajaha".

Oh, Nelly

Girl A, "It's hot in here. It's getting hot in heere, I'ma take off all my clothes. Girl, I remember bein at this party, I was 17 dancin to that song."

Girl B, "You was ready to take your clothes off?"

Girl A, "Child, I was bout to. You know how DAT goes."

Staples

"Aw, I lost my pen. … Where's is my pen? … Yo, I really hate when I lose a pen. … That was a really good pen. … I had 10 pens, I wonder what the fuck happened to all my pens?! I had a pack, I had like ten and now I only gots like 3. … Oh! I found my pen!!"

What Up, Theif?

One of my coworkers was complaining about how her little brother stole her iPod headphones. It's all she talked about all day. In the late afternoon, she called home:

"Who dis? Oh what up thief. Oh you got somethin' to tell me? You ain't got nothin to tell me? You ain't got nothin' to say to me about my headphones? Where's my Mother? Put her on the phone, thief. Did my package come? That's all I wanted to know. Why's he still lying about my headphones? What'd he say? Whade-a-minute. What'd he say? If I woulda stopped him? Oh, whade-a-minute, it's a different one? He didn't take mine? Oh."

How Romantic

"Worst Valentine's Day I eva had, had me sitting up in the damn clinic getting a pregnancy test. He picked me up from the clinic but he didn't get me no present, he didn't even wanna come ovah. He gave me somethin' on Tuesday but I was like yooo, Valentine's Day is on Friday. You gotta boo or somethin'? It was aight though, I was with somebody anyway, hollahh."

At the Movies

"That movie is PG-13. They ain't use no cuss words and deep as they got was a kiss."

Twitters.

From January 12, 2009:

"Stealin out the house? That's some crackhead stuff. And then he's lying in my face? Better not eva ask me for nothin' eva again." 9:58 AM Jan 12th

I'm sorry, she keeps saying "stillin'" not stealing. 9:59 AM Jan 12th

Twitters.

From January 9th, 2009:

I wish I could tell my coworker that I don't care that her country side of the family decided to name one of their daughters "Baby Sis." 9:43 AM Jan 9th

I'm going to start counting how many times my coworkers say "nig", "nigga" or "nigs". So far, we're at 3. 9:45 AM Jan 9th

One just said, "These flakes in my hair be nasty." Another coworker has been talking about her eyebrows for 20 minutes. 10:51 AM Jan 9th

"If alls he wants to be watchin' is the Discovery channel and he don't wanna watch cartoons, turn the damn tv off." 10:57 AM Jan 9th

They've been talking about getting their hair pressed for a 1/2 hour. Sitting in a group, obviously not doing any work, talking about hair. 12:08 PM Jan 9th

"Nig" count is now at 5. 12:19 PM Jan 9th

"I'ma be bustin out laughin'. That shit is a damn shame. Girl, that is a straight mess." 12:20 PM Jan 9th

"Oh aight, lemme fine out. You betta see if you can get some free rent up in that bitch." 3:21 PM Jan 9th

"The patients name is Arthur Stare... Stare as in stairs... yes, like the ones you walk up. S-T-A-R-E" 3:55 PM Jan 9th

Oh, hi

Welcome.

Hi. I'm... anonymous. I'm 25, soon to be 26 and I work in an office. I sit at a cubicle all day and try to drain out the uneducated noise that comes from the coworkers that surround me. A good friend suggested that I start a blog to turn my misery into something hilarious.

EVERYTHING YOU READ IN THIS BLOG
WAS ACTUALLY SAID OUT-LOUD.

IT IS 100% REAL.
I promise.

Side-note: There will never be pictures, I'm afraid they'll find me and put a cap in my ass.

Enjoy.